I think the whole not wanting to draw/having no motivation to draw thing might be sparked from recent feels that I’ve been feeling concerning my art.  I’ve really just been hating it lately.  It’s like I have constant doubts about everything.  No, it’s not because I’ve been spending the past month looking at art vastly superior to mine; I know that if I practiced more I would be a good artist too.  It really isn’t that.

It’s the fact that I know for a fact that no matter what I draw, no matter who I draw, it will always be deemed as “cute.”  You guys really don’t know how much that one stupid word has been the bane of my existence for the past couple of years.  The other word that’s the bane of my existence (almost even more so because every time I see it I just want to bash my head up against the wall) is “kawaii.”  Ngl, it’s probably because the pretentious Japanese student in me knows that they are probably pronouncing that wrong.  I know that I tend to draw in a more shoujo style, but still.

I think it’s because lately people haven’t even been leaving any sort of comments other than “cute” or “kawaii” or even “mignon” (lol that one was actually a joke from Tinny).  Seriously, look at my deviantART page/the pictures in my gallery; that is ALL I ever get anymore.  Maybe it wouldn’t be as bad if they added a “oh man I love how you drew the [insert topic here]!!” or something.

What makes things even worse for me is that is how people react to my art in real fucking life now.  As I had said in a previous post, the other day I was doodling some random picture and the girl next to me just said “oh cute!”  It took everything out of me not to say “fuck you.”  (I also didn’t because the girl’s really nice and I know that it was supposed to be a compliment).  I remember back in the day when people were actually impressed.  They would say “Oh my god, did you draw that?!” or “That’s really good!” or even “Oh I really like that!”  Now it forever “cute.”  It’s not like I just want to be showered in compliments or something; it’s just that if I do end up getting compliments, I don’t want them to be fucking “adorable.”

There was actually a time about a year ago when I was drawing with a classmate and she basically said “oh I love your chibis!”  Even when I replied with “…uh….those aren’t chibis….” she seemed to not understand.  (which still makes me think that maybe she isn’t as much of an anime/manga fan as she said because how could you not tell the difference between a real picture and a chibi picture).  I even drew her a picture of an actual chibi just to show her, and it didn’t make a difference.

I think that my aversion to “cute” spawned from my IRL best friend.  A long time ago I would comment with “cute” or “adorable” to all of her drawings.  There was a time when we had an argument and agreed to tell each other all the things that bugged us about each other, and she had told me that she hated how I called everything “cute”; that she wanted an actual comment.  So now I always try my best with her (even though she doesn’t need it anymore since she has completely surpassed me in art of all forms even though we used to be equals) as well as others to comment about something about the picture that I like.  What makes things kind of ironic (and even more depressing on my end) is that now the tables have switched.  I feel like she doesn’t even bother with comments anymore; all she has said in the past year was “he looks so cute!” or “it really looked like you spent a lot of your time with it.”  Like….I spend a lot of time with it but it’s not good.  I wish I could at least draw crap fast, instead of me taking forever with crap.

I legit get panic attacks when I even think about posting Homestuck fanart to the Interwebz because I’m afraid that it will get the same kind of comments.  Who am I kidding?  It already did happen; ironically from that same best friend that I mentioned earlier.  I had only posted it to help Aria feel better, and of course that was the one time that said best friend just happened to be online at the right time to see it.  If I ever do post things on the Interwebz, it will either be in a separate account that no one follows or just on my artblog (which doesn’t have that many followers anyway).

God, I want to be a legit YGO artist so bad that it physically hurts sometimes.  I know that I will never be able to compete with the gods that we know as the Pixiv artists, but that’s an easy thing to realize.  What’s hard is to accept the fact I will never be a legit artist because my work have always and will always be deemed as the single motherfucking word: “cute.”

tl;dr: this picture